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Lou's testimony

resilient Suffering at work


Testimony of a patient, who testifies of her suffering at work to an ancestor, to tell him about the violence of the world of work in our modernity.

Dear Elder, at Ancêtre Protector,


Only you can understand me and mourn my pain. There's only you and yet this pain, I'm going to reveal it to you because you don't know it. It happens to me because you have transmitted nothing to me, said nothing, never protected, never explained. It happens to me because you let my executioners do their thing.

Dear Elder, you have made things worse, by your ignorance. Why didn't you say anything about this barbarism ? Why did you let me suffer like I suffered ? Why have you forsaken me ? Why didn't you think about this suffering? If only you had thought of it before I went through it, I wouldn't have been through hell. Neither would the others have suffered. Those who died, you know, those who died because of work. Those who died so much pain and suffering, chronic and intense in their veins and in their bodies and in their DNA ultimately, dehumanized them.
They wouldn't have suffered either, if only you had thought in time about the question of work and the suffering it can bring in our modern world.


As you did not think it, that you certainly do not succeed, that you close your eyes, that you corrupt yourself not to do it, that also you sign the end of your species by acting thus, and well I'm going to bring it back to you, me, this pain, this trauma, this torture in my veins because of the abusive work in our modern societies.

I am alive to bring you back the pain experienced. I'm alive, me. But not all of us were so lucky. And others, many others, will not have my luck. Just know it.


I'm going to bring it back to you, this pain, as irrefutable proof of the barbarity that you allow through your ignorance. I'll bring it back to you. Dear Elder, I have confidence and your wisdom is not full, because I already see in you the astonishment and the suffering that I am bringing you. You're going to cry too, you're going to cry your dead and you're going to cry my suffering.


My body gave out one winter on a lake at work. I was not 30 years old.


My body gave out because it was torn. Torn with absurdities, inappropriate remarks about my physique, my way of being, of thinking, of working, of presenting, of watching, of dressing, of eating.


I did not believe in these aberrations and these inappropriate remarks. I rebelled a bit, then it got worse. The inappropriate words ended up affecting my way of rebelling precisely, of smiling, of creating, of trying, of living, of moving, of trusting, of paying attention, of listening, of saying yes, and of saying no. .


I resisted, again and again, but it continued, it never stopped.

These tuggings and these aberrations were daily, subtle, insidious. And then, in the company, they were accepted by everyone. I felt like I was alone in believing that it was crazy there. This thought alone, dear Elder, is enough to drive you mad, no ?!


You see, we opened our mail, the one in our own name, we talked about my legs, we told me that if I didn't put on a skirt I was going to miss my presentation, we constantly did and undid our work, people watched me wrong if I arrived at 9:12, even after 6 months of hard work, my car was searched for " verifier that I hadn't stolen anything", I was told that I didn't know not badger and that was the reason why "  only appeared 39 hours of work per week instead of 55 hours in the computer system ", I was told that it was all normal, that you shouldn't trust anyone, neither the unions, the executives told me, nor the managers, the workers told me. All had incredible stories to tell about each other, often serious stories. And they were telling me never to tell anyone because anything I said could be “ reused ”. And I resisted these aberrations, of course, by trying to be as healthy and transparent and irreproachable as possible.


Because you know me, I'm not crazy. I am a good person, I can be useful to society, I am full of human values, I want to help us all progress towards the better, and I have already done a lot of things to make this happen. I have traveled a lot, I am independent, very hardworking, I have a great education, I love human beings, I dream of a happy and equal world, I think capitalism is a bad system, but what 'by controlling it a little, we could make it interesting. I always told myself that I could be that person, and with others, whom you also trained, who would lead us towards a fairer and more beautiful system.


So yes, they were so strong and so deep, so insidious and daily, so accepted by the system in place, that the twinges ended up reaching my way of drinking, of chewing, of taking breaks, of staying late, of leaving. early, to arrive early, to arrive late, to work again and again, to do and undo my work, the same work, the same presentations, the same aberrations, to imagine, to improve, to breathe, to secrete , to swallow, to look, to close and open my eyes, to tense, to relax, to sit, to rest, to sleep, to laugh, to take pleasure, to love, to respect, to open and close my hands, to move my neck, to circulate the blood in my veins.


Are you beginning to understand Elder ? These tugs began to affect my existence (my actions, my life, my body) at work, then outside. Because, how to disconnect from the madness of work when you finish so late, how to find your sane spirit in your personal life when the workplace is tripping, how to disconnect physically when you receive messages in the evening and you are kept under terror in the day ? These tugs, which hitherto only affected my thoughts, ended up affecting my existence, my actions, and therefore my body.


My body suffered from these tugs for months. And when we experience tightness in the body, we can imagine that the body reacts, it sends signals, it secretes things so that it stops, it blocks everywhere.


Then my body, constantly traversed by the toxins of death and blockages in its limbs, stopped. Really stopped.


The work that breaks down, the unhealthy work environment, the illegitimate power, the terror, the harassment, the trivialization of evil, my resistance at all costs, my belief in my ideals, almost masochistic, and my inability to flee are over. by stopping my whole body.


My body stopped and hell began.


Physical hell. This is the moment when moral harassment becomes physical torture. For more than a year and a half. For almost 2 years. I was completely traversed by toothless and skinny rats, knives crushed my belly and my arms, and my spine and my hands and my cheeks and my hormones and my blood and my cells and my muscles and my fibers and my skin , while at the same time, suffered. I didn't sleep, I couldn't see anymore, a huge wall was permanently erected between the world and me : the wall of my pain. Left leg pain set in. It has become chronic, like the rest : insomnia, paresthesias in the arms, gynecological pains and problems, my inability to walk, move around, take a train, think, concentrate. My DNA, I felt my DNA torn too.


So I wanted to die. I wanted to put an end to this suffering body. Thrice.


And then, I suffered too long because I was a victim, then an unrecognized and abandoned victim.


My body, my burn-out, which is the very clear and obvious consequence of the dysfunctions and generalized harassment in my former company, was not initially considered in the company, precisely. Neither my colleagues, nor occupational medicine, nor the leaders heard my calls for help:

  • “  I think I'm tired from work. ”

  • “  We should set up meetings to manage the dysfunctions of our service and communicate more often, then we will avoid conflicts, the unspoken and I am sure that we will be able to find synergies for us clear time. » 

  • I am unwell at my workplace, quite impressive with 16 tension.

  • "  I can't take on so much responsibility anymore, we need to reorganize, hire, or re-evaluate my position. "

  • “ I would like to take a few days off. ”

  • “ Why can't we get out before 7 p.m., when we start at 8:30 a.m., to me that's proof that we're malfunctioning. ”

  • “ Can I take more than 45 minutes break at noon ? ”_cc78190518-bad6-3b155cde-bad

  • “  This is not normal, I have not been able to go to yoga, on Tuesday evenings at 6:45 p.m., for more than 4 months. ”

  • “ Warning, what is happening here is not normal, we must discuss it with the teams. ” “_cc781905-5cde-3194- bb3b-136bad5cf58d_Let's find solutions ! We can do it ! »

  • " Hi nurse, you don't want to ask me questions to find out if I'm overworked, there are questionnaires to find out that ?_cc781905-5cde-3194 -bb3b-136bad5cf58d_”


And even, the occupational doctor diagnosed me with fibromyalgia during my aptitude for work interview, when I returned from sick leave (the only stoppage, of 3 weeks only, a few weeks after my body gave up)_cc781905 -5cde-3194-bb3b-136bad5cf58d_! This is outrageous, Elder. Especially when I tell her openly that I am really tired from work, when you know that such a diagnosis cannot be made in such a short time and finally, when she considers me SUITABLE for work and sends me to find my executioners , without hesitation.


Then my body, my burnout, was not considered outside the company. Many doctors, ignorant and dangerous by their ignorance, hounded me and made my pain worse. For 6 months, a neurologist looked for me for multiple sclerosis (brain MRI, cervical MRI, electromyogram, internal medicine, lumbar puncture which I ended up refusing) to finally give me a diagnosis : "  microfissures in the spine, unverifiable because we do not yet have the technologies to do so ».

Am I allowed to insult this man, Elder ? He is one of 15 other examples of the DANGEROUS incompetence of ignorant doctors.


Then my body, my burnout, was not considered by society and institutions. It was so complicated to put together a case for the company to recognize the burnout, and the CPAM, and then the justice system, let's not talk about it.


Dear Elder, I finally understood that to get out of this, I could not rely on the company. Nor on medicine as it is now. Nor on institutions and justice. And not on my family, my friends, my loved ones either, who understood nothing. I couldn't rely on you either, Elder.


Can you imagine a world where we can no longer count on the Ancestors Protectors ? It's really sad. And it is at the same time an opportunity to undertake a very deep movement of freedom, detached from all of you. Through access to my free consciousness, through therapy, and then through my next actions, I will lead other people, perhaps you, the ignorant Elder (you look so beautiful in this statue), towards this awareness_cc781905 -5cde-3194-bb3b-136bad5cf58d_: work can kill, it is important to rethink it in depth and to direct it towards better, in the future.


Because moral harassment and terror are almost generalized methods in our society where illegitimate power is the rule, I wonder how I/we are going to make this same society aware that this method is barbaric , real and criminal ? This awareness, which is necessary in our society if we want to stop killing ourselves, is a miracle. And many of us believe, and act, for the miracle to happen.


  • Autumn – a little over 3 years ago – I enter the company – an icy shiver runs through me – I stay there, I work there, I act there with efficiency and a smile.

  • Autumn/Winter – 2 years ago – my body loose – I am in an acute phase of burnout

  • 4 months later – I left the company by mutual agreement – the acute pains set in and became chronic, dull and deep.

  • Autumn - a year and a half ago - I don't want to be a body anymore, I want to die, a year of chronic pain and the unknown, with no hope of wellness and pain relief, dozens of doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, physiotherapists, general practitioners, rheumatologists, gynecologists, neurologists, professors of internal medicine, osteopaths, masseurs, ignoramuses (among them, none of them gives me the diagnosis of burnout, or at least, if it is not " autorisé ", does not have the courage to make a clear link with work), the multiplication of care attempts exhausted and ruined me.

  • A few months later – a little over a year ago – I ended up meeting a very good general practitioner who, half-heartedly but in a benevolent and intelligent way, gave me a diagnosis of burnout, I also met a osteopath who frankly relieves my leg pain (chronic sciatic pain type), and above all, I start therapy with an extraordinary professional who leads me, by successive awareness, towards my free and joyful consciousness.  

  • Autumn – 6 months ago – I think my body is fine, it's better, what intense happiness.

  • January – a month ago – I relapsed, I have very severe memory loss that is starting to insert itself into my whole cognitive life. I accelerate the therapeutic work by trying to remember, to remember the trauma and the aggression, through automatic writing. Sometimes I relapse into violence. Living this violence with awareness allows me to give it its full place, to this violence. It works, I get my memory and concentration skills back ! What happiness.

  • February – there – I recover very quickly, from everything. Body, mind, and even, I'm better than before, I've never been so well anchored in my body and in my mind. What joy, all that.


Through chaos, we can put things back in place in the fairest and most beautiful way possible. The chaos in your body and in your mind, must therefore be a great opportunity to create beauty and become free !


In the field of art, I knew the small thread of contemplation, the one that binds us to the work of art to reveal to us its extreme evidence and beauty. A few years ago, this statue of Ancestor Protector had animated this little thread in me and its beauty had fascinated me so much that I thought I was facing the very purity of truth.


In the field of therapy and psychology, I did not know this little thread of awareness, the one that binds us to our deep being to reveal to us its evidence and beauty. This little son, for me, he was embodied in the psychologist Ariane Bilheran. And this little thread is one of the most extraordinary things that has happened to me in my earthly life. Because in addition to having saved my life, it offers me the possibility of hearing and thinking clearly. He gave me the keys to seek, all my life now, to come out of the shadows. It is like a state to reach the light, the truth, and my clear conscience. I had not experienced greater joy.


For this little thread of access to his consciousness to get started and activated, he will first have to suffer a lot ! And above all, you have to want it ! You have to look for it yourself, this little thread.


And once you decide to start it, this research, with the help of your psychologist, well that's where you will soon be free.


But before that, for a long time, you will be in the heart of a big scary and beautiful maze at the same time.


In this labyrinth that is your conscience, the thread in your hand, you will meet your monsters, agonizing paths with no exit, frightening aggressions, memories, Protective Ancestors, animated bodies, the dead, the trauma of your aggressions, and a past. You will often even be faced with the obvious, but you will not see them ! You will encounter hell and when hell is incarnated in you, certain encounters seemed to me even more violent than the suffering of the body. But also, the thread in your hand, you will discover areas of light, awareness, and joyful releases.


It will take time, sometimes years, before you encounter what will fully untie you. Ariadne's thread in my hand, I spent a whole year in the labyrinth that made me suffer so much, before finding myself faced with my main awareness, the one that made me really hear, in all my soul, in my DNA and in my skin : harassment in my company. Two years after my body gave up, I became aware of its cause : moral harassment and work dysfunctions in the professional environment led my body to its loss! And that's when I had the keys to think everything through, in this labyrinth.


It was then that I realized that I was the only one, helped by the little son, who could help me, the only one who would bring me understanding.  Especially not l company, neither institutions, nor justice, nor medicine, nor my previous history, nor my family, nor the Protector Ancestors could help me. Therapy, through an intense search for clarity of consciousness, allows us to fill the dysfunctions of the world. It allows us to invoke in them what is to be taken, but also to replace what is to be thrown away. It is then that a movement of new actions can take place. It is then that we become free and our freedom will bind to others.


I am still in the maze. But since I explored it a lot and my thread is long, thin and strong, I ended up understanding it a little more. He is less violent, I listen to him, I smile at him, I accept him, I chat with his demons, his dead-end paths. I like it, my labyrinth. We can all end up loving it, our maze, but first you have to get started. You must make this first personal effort in length and diligence, as the first action that fully belongs to you : that of animating YOUR thread.


Besides, there's still you, this little thread, and so you don't have to hand it over to anyone.

Give it if possible to an Ariadne.

I think there are plenty of Arianes here


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